you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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