i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You can't just leave with hair like that
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
