oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
