just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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