I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
