hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
