I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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