no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
