Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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