my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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