A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm getting married
To pizza
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
