im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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