I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
