I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
