Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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