Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
