So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
