God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
