sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
