I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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