like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
