I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
