Cold hands, warm shart.
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
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