Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
