No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
We had to coat check the pizza.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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