on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
