I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
