She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
