I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
