i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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