I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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