Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
only if we run a train.
done.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
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My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
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There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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