WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
