I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
