I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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