Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she was so not down for the gang bang
I cockslap morals
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
