someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
