so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
