remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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