yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
