...so i touched it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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