She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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