I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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