Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
