In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I yelled at your uterus for you.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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