oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
