You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
