If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
