I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
