I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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