a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
