the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
