I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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