Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
