He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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